Semi-Colon

My profile picture is a semicolon ;

I think maybe one person has ever asked me about it and thankfully not in a cruel way either. No one has really asked why I don’t use a facial photo, or why I changed it from my book cover.

But sometimes I think we don’t know enough about each other as people.

So let me explain.

“Cailin, why don’t you use a picture of yourself?”

Easy answer
I don’t like my face.

“Okay, then why did you change your profile picture from your book to a semicolon?”

Also easy.

I promoted the book as much as I could. Since then, I’ve been writing here on The Stack, posting short stories, and working on other projects. I have three other books published, and another one on the way, assuming I can figure out how to end the thing without arguing with my characters like an exhausted referee.

But then comes the real question.

“Why the semicolon?”

Now we get to the heart of it.

I read stories here from people who have survived worlds I recognize all too well. Different times. Different people. Different states. Same darkness.

The semicolon is a symbol for suicide survivors.

If I ever got a tattoo, that would be the one.

Not because I’m proud of trying to end my life.
I’m not.

I’m proud because I finally realized it wasn’t the answer for me.

I stood up.
I walked away.

Now, that sounds simple when written in neat little sentences. It wasn’t.

That’s the sugar-coated version.

I’ve attempted suicide at least three times that I can remember. One of them almost took me.

And honestly, part of me still feels terrible about that day because it wasn’t a friend or family member who found me.

It was a customer in the restroom at work.

I had passed out on the floor.

So when people see the semicolon, I don’t expect pity.
I don’t need people to tiptoe around me.

I just want people to understand something important,

That little semicolon isn’t there for attention.

It’s there because my story could have ended

…but it didn’t.